October 22, 1998: Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft

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* I've got a new utility to track hits on my personal web site and it's   *
* pretty cool.  The best info comes from the search engines which specify *
* the "search string" someone used when your site registers a hit.  Some  *
* of the most peculiar "hits" and general observations are listed below.  *

[Here's a picture of me and my dad fucking] -- I wonder if this person 
found what they were looking for???  Would own photo album would have been 
a better place to start?  I just can't imagine someone who's been through 
that actually a) being literate enough to maintain their own web site 
(think backwoods here) or b) not being so traumatized by the event as to 
so casually put those words out there (along with photo).

[Little nude girls] -- This actually hit an old newsletter issue where the
subject was advice on how your children could better cope with the Spice 
Girls break-up and also featured a quote by Mark Twain on nude people 
(i.e., the three words were in the article, just not contiguous).  I'm sure 
that was disappointing. 

[teenage penis care] -- At first I thought this was rather bizarre, then I 
also saw a couple of hits on just "penis care," which leads me to think ...
Is there some type of maintenance procedure I don't know about?  Have I 
been neglecting myself?

[12 year old girls who need a boyfriend] -- Now, that is specific.

penis & (small+little+tiny) & (vhs+cassette) -- Apparently, this person 
really really really knows what they want.

[amazingly large penis] -- OK, not that unusual for the web, but that just 
seems like an odd choice of phrases if one is hoping to actually find the 
content, I mean, why not "really huge" or "very big" or even "gigantic."

Other than the understandable amount of hits the two TWMC issues featuring 
the Sony Nightshot Camera and the Monica Lewinsky interview have received, 
the pages which feature any story containing the word "penis" seem to 
attract the most customers (breast augmentation stories a distant second).
Where have you gone John Wayne Bobbit?  Oh, and looking back on what I 
just wrote here, I'm guessing this issue will get A LOT of hits once I put
it on the web.  Most of all, you got to hide it from the kids.

[How can I suck my dick?] -- Option a) to quote XTC "get on your knees and
pray and while you're down there kiss your arse good-bye" (btw/ that's a 
Clerks joke, if you don't get it, drop me a note) or b) develop your 
personality and you won't have to worry about it.

[vegetarians suck] -- Why so angry?

(cute boys) or (young boys) or (smooth boys) -- Obviously, this person is 
a Scout Leader.

[I learn sex with boyfriend] -- And he love you long time, huh?

[how to make sex?] -- Preheat oven to 350, mix batter slowly using smooth 
rhythmic strokes, holds eggs firmly yet gently until ready to crack, oh, 
you get the point ...

[I want to torture my cock and balls] -- Thanks for sharing!  I don't even 
want to know what is wrong with this person...

[penis baseball]  --  What?????

[punishment for masturbating] -- How about "go to your room?"  On second 
thought, that may not be the best punishment...

[did black men come from white men mating with monkeys?] -- Aaaaahhh .. no.

Source: That Alex Guy

* Disclaimer: I was going to use the subject "Insatiable Need for Penis"  *
* for this issue, but realize some receive this via company e-mail.       *

If this has wet your appetite and you are now even more curious as to what
all the deviant people (i.e., your friends and neighbors) are looking for
on the web, you should check out ...

Source: That Biel Guy

* Commercials that didn't make the final cut for Mastercard....           *

Five gallon bucket of Mayonnaise:  $27.50
Plastic tarp:  $5.75
Sony video camera:  $395.00
Spatula, butt plug, turkey baster:  $23.68
Sensormatic 2000 adjustable vibrating bed:  $850.00

First class flight to Graceland:  $475.00
Map of celebrity grave sites:  $6.95
Flashlight, shovel, crowbar:  $27.80
Dust-broom, throw rug:  $9.25
Homeless lookout accomplice:  $4.00
Sex with "the King": PRICELESS

Long distance call to Philippine brothel:  $48.27
One-way coach ticket to US:  $955.00
Cab fare from airport (tip included):  $35.00
Hammer, hacksaw, duct tape, roofing nails, Yoko Ono CD:  $75.95
Videographer (loner NYU film student who really needs the money):  $300.00
Screwing, then snuffing the only witnesses of your fantasy: PRICELESS

Source: D. Redman (the man!)

* MOO THINKS:               ' |\___ ---___/|           THOSE WHO MAY CARE *
*                           '  \--/0 0  --/                               *
* "Who was at the bouffant  '    /       \===================____         *
* pavilion?  Why was the    '   |  oo  ) '''''''''''''''''''\\-- \\       *
* vegetable worn?  Who had  '    \_/\_/\                     \\   \\_     *
* been there?"              '      ''  |                      |    ~~~\\  *
*                           '           \     _______       _ |        {} *
*   --A friend's highly     '            || ||       \   /|| ||           *
*     inaccurate rendition  '            || ||        ||| || ||           *
*     of some TMBG lyrics   '            || ||        ''' || ||           *
*                           '            [] []            [] []   APOULOS *

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