April 2, 2001: The Penis Monologues

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* Hi all, I know it has been eons since I last got one of these out, but  * 
* hey, I've been busy living dammit. ;-)  Anyway, for the first issue of  * 
* the new millennium, I'm going to go back to something done once before. * 
* For those who are new or those who don't remember, on occasion I go     * 
* through my web site logs to see what people are typing into the search  * 
* engines to find my site. The more unusual hits and my observations are  * 
* listed below.  And just as predicted first time I did this, that TWMC   * 
* issue is now the most accessed one on my site. Phrases are in brackets. * 
[teenage penis] - I will assume they're not looking for the Nirvana song. 
You remember, the one that goes "smells like." 

[my breasts are getting bigger] - Yes honey, they really are, and your ass 
is getting smaller too. 

[to have a large penis] - Well, not unusual, but damn ... now my curiosity 
is up.  I mean, it's just an odd phrase to use.  I can't help but wonder, 
do they want it on them, someone else, and for what purpose?  We need more 
info. Be more specific next time, dammit. 

[bikinigirl] - Ah, presumably they're looking for that girl who had her own 
short stint of web celebrity.  Actually, she had (liking my site), started 
a dialogue with me and began sending photos of herself that progressively 
got more revealing and disturbing.  Hmm, what ever happened to her?  Come 
to think of it ... I need to look on the web for her too... ;-) 

[penis biting] - Dear God.  Please let this be a fad.  Please let this be 
a fad. 

[large penis stories] -  Think of someone's grandfather sitting there on 
the porch going, "Oh sonny, let me tell you, it must have been like 1926 
or something, and there it was ... we all swear to this day but no one 
believes us.  It was huge i tell you. Huge!" (arms outstretched wide) 

[but it should have been David Byrne or somebody] -  Yes.  Yes it should 

[nails + penis + torture] - Someone should really create some kind of 
matchmaking service on the search engines, so that perhaps one day this 
person could be matched up with the guy that typed in "i want to torture 
my cock and balls," (last issue) but no, the technology is not yet ripe 
and the privacy advocates will continue to grumble.  And sadly, these two 
lonely confused individuals will continue to wander the world without one 
another, so close yet so far away. 

[cut+penis+care] - Sorry dude, self-medication is not the way to go.  You 
really should see a doctor about that one. 

[penis records] -  Oh, those would be located between jazz and big band.   
Yep, look for the copy of vagina monologues and keep going. 

[rectum + I nearly killed him] - Hehe, I love that joke. 

[what do chorus frog tadpoles eat] - Good question.  Anyone?  Anyone?  I 
still have no idea how this person was directed to my website. 

[pictures of cows having sex] - It takes all kinds. 

[drunk + women] - Dude, get out of the house man.  You're not gonna find 
them sitting behind your computer all day. 

[drunk + ladies] - Please refer to advise for person above. 

[girls + with + farm + animals] - Perhaps this is some poor young girl in 
Oklahoma who's looking for advice on how youngsters can grow up to become 
good farmers.  Ah ... probably not.  Regardless, this individual must have 
been real annoyed to be directed to a site featuring vegetarian advice. 

[while she was giving herself for free at a party to which I was never 
invited] - Man, I hate it when she does that. 

Source: That Lad Gregory 

* MOO THINKS:               ' |\___ ---___/|           THOSE WHO MAY CARE * 
*                           '  \--/0 0  --/                               * 
* "Every morning, I wake    '    /       \===================____         * 
* up, fill my cup, and      '   |  oo  ) '''''''''''''''''''\\-- \\       * 
* listen shamefully .. to   '    \_/\_/\                     \\   \\_     * 
* stories of me."           '      ''  |                      |    ~~~\\  * 
*                           '           \     _______       _ |        {} * 
*           --Paul Kelly    '            || ||       \   /|| ||           * 
*                           '            || ||        ||| || ||           * 
*                           '            || ||        ''' || ||           * 
*                           '            [] []            [] []   APOULOS * 

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