April 25, 1997: Dancing on My Casket

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* Norwegian Wood                                                      *

Our old friend, Tonya Harding had recently asked Norwegian sports 
officials if she could skate for their country in the 1998 Nagano Olympics.
They turned her down, pointing out that she would first have to obtain 
Norwegian residency (takes seven years). However, considering what's been 
going on in Norway lately, the officials may have been leery about anyone 
linked to the swinging of a club.

Norway has gone baseball-crazy.  More than 30 baseball teams have been 
established over the past six years. But with new interest have come new 
problems. According to Norwegian police, the widespread availability of 
bats has led to a dramatic increase in another great American pastime--
assault and battery. Bat-wielding assailants have become so numerous that
Aftenposten, Norway's most widely read morning newspaper, occasionally 
prints what might be termed a box score of bat attacks. A sampling of the 
alleged 1996 incidents:

-Jan. 25: Two robbers threaten kiosk owner with baseball bat and get away
with 1,100 kroner (about $ 170) and several cartons of cigarettes.
-Mar. 29: Lumberyard manager severely injured by robber armed with a 
baseball bat. Robber and accomplice run off with 73,000 kroner ($ 11,290).
-Oct. 28: Thief strikes convenience store clerk on the head with a bat and
flees with 20 packs of cigarettes.
-Oct. 31: Grocery store robbed for second time in a week by unmasked man 
carrying a baseball bat. Take: 10,000 kroner ($ 1,550).

In the face of public alarm over the crimes, a beleaguered Tore Rismyhr, 
founder and president of the Norwegian baseball federation, has fallen 
back on a traditional American defense, "Bats don't rob stores, people rob

Source: Sports Illustrated

* Positive Spin: Hey, He Had at Least Two Bites to Offer              *

Steven Halsey of San Clemente, CA, was arrested this past March 3 after a 
rampage through the intensive-care ward at Riverside General Hospital on 
charges of maiming another patient.  He allegedly bit the penis off 
fellow patient Manuel Alcarez.
Halsey, a gasket maker at Accme Gasket in San Clemente, is accused of 
biting off Alcarez's penis and fighting with about 10 officers who tried 
to subdue him in a violent battle that left the officers awash in blood.

Before he attacked Alcarez, Halsey punched a nurse in the stomach.  
A short time later, he walked over to Alcarez's bed, pulled out his IVs, 
and punched him in the chest.  He then pulled Alcarez's sheet off and bit 
off a portion of his penis, the records say.

Halsey then went back to his bed but returned a few seconds later to 
Alcarez's bed, biting off another portion of his penis.  Alcarez died four
days after the attack.  The Riverside County coroner's office determined 
that the assault did not contribute to Alcarez's death, concluding he died
from complications of cancer.

Halsey, who has pleaded not guilty to two counts of aggravated mayhem, 
remains in custody at Riverside County Jail.

Source: Press-Enterprise (Riverside)

* Seven Scientific Conclusions after Recent Discovery of Martian Fungus  *

7. Katie Couric can still sleep peacefully, confident that she is still 
the perkiest thing in the Milky Way.
6. Martians still a long way from challenging supremacy of U.S. Dream Team
at the Olympics.
5. Not an obviously extravagant life form: basic outfits, no jewelry; most
likely would have dropped out of the Jackie O' auction bidding way early.
4. Martians have no idea why Andy Garcia isn't a megastar either.
3. Basically, a mold-based society.  Earthling invasion force will be 
armed with Pine Sol.
2. Macarena has yet to explode there.  Probably still a Lambada (forbidden
dance) kind of planet.
1. Trainspotting: right over their heads.  Even with dubbed dialogue.

Source:  Spy Magazine

* MOO THINKS:              ' |\___ ---___/|           THOSE WHO MAY CARE *
*                          '  \--/0 0  --/                               *
*  "Now it's over.  I'm    '    /       \===================____         *
*   dead and haven't done  '   |  oo  ) '''''''''''''''''''\\-- \\       *
*   anything that I want.  '    \_/\_/\                     \\   \\_     *
*   Or .. I'm still alive, '      ''  |                      |    ~~~\\  *
*   and there's nothing I  '           \     _______       _ |        {} *
*   want to do."           '            || ||       \   /|| ||           *
*                          '            || ||        ||| || ||           *
*   -They Might Be Giants  '            || ||        ''' || ||           *
*                          '            [] []            [] []   APOULOS *

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