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Dick Cheney Advisory System Explanation & Legal Mumbo-Jumbo

The Homeland Security Advisory System shall be binding on the executive branch and suggested, although voluntary, to other levels of government and the private sector. There are five Threat Conditions, each identified by a description and corresponding color. From lowest to highest, the levels and colors are:

  • Low = Green (i.e., Dick is either sleeping or medicated);
  • Guarded = Blue (i.e., Dick not carrying firearms, or in good mood);
  • Elevated = Yellow (i.e., Dick looking for someone to torture);
  • High = Orange (Dick in foul mood, or cleaning gun);
  • Severe = Red (Dick is armed and dangerous).

The higher the Threat Condition, the greater the risk that Dick may fly off the handle, and either shoot someone, or mercillesly torture some poor sod. Risk includes both the probability of an attack occurring and its potential depravity. Threat Conditions shall be assigned by the Attorney General in consultation with the Assistant to the President for Homeland Security. Except in exigent circumstances, the Attorney General shall seek the views of the appropriate Homeland Security Principals or their subordinates, and other parties as appropriate, on the Threat Condition to be assigned. Threat Conditions may be assigned for the entire Nation, or they may be set for a particular geographic area Dick Cheney is presently visiting or industrial sector (Enron and Halliburton aside). Dick Cheney's mood and demeanor shall be reviewed at regular intervals to determine whether adjustments are warranted.

Homeland Security Tips on What To Do if Confronted by Dick

  • 1) Duck and cover
  • 2) Show him your Republican Party pledge card
  • 3) If you work for Haliburton, or used to work for Enron, show him employee badge
  • 4) Under no conditions, should Dick Cheney be fed (reptiles cannot be made pets of)
  • 5) Distract him (sing/whistle), while you slowly back out of room, do not make sudden movements